A Communal Announcement

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To the valued citizens of our community,

It deeply saddens us to disclose some upsetting information to our community. Our planet is suffering from an ongoing environmental crisis, and it seems that our citizens are contributing to the problem. Due to misleading information, our community has been focused on what was once considered a healthy, environmentally friendly diet: veganism. However, clinical trials have revealed a new diet that is far superior: carnivorism, an innovative lifestyle that focuses on only eating meat. Below, we have listed several reasons why you should consider the carnivorist lifestyle.

1. Ethical Considerations: Disturbing new studies have exposed that plants have three times more nerve endings than the average animal, meaning plants feel more acute and excruciating pain. A new documentary, “Plants Feel Too,” is now airing on Netflix, and it explains the torture that plants feel when they are harvested, prepared, and consumed. Actual plants will be interviewed. Please consider watching this shocking, upsetting film.
2. Environmental Benefits: It has been proven that animal flatulence, specifically from cows, has negatively impacted the planet by increasing greenhouse gases. This phenomenon caused many environmental activists to turn to veganism. However, new research shows that consuming beef will even more effectively reduce the number of grazing cows. This will subsequently reduce the amount of flatulence and greenhouse gases, which will significantly slow climate change. The campaign slogan “Less Farts = More Smarts” will be broadly publicized in national media.
3. Health Improvements: Consumption of a strictly plant-based diet causes unhealthy loss of muscle mass. A lack of protein, calcium, and other necessary nutrients can cause vitamin deficiency, skin discoloration, and a serious condition called vegetable breath. A diet of only meat is more nutritious and hygienic, resulting in bodily strength and longevity. 1
4. Financial Incentives: The government recommends purchasing large quantities of meat to support farm tax subsidies. These economic benefits for farmers will increase by 540% with additional purchases of meat. Financial experts also advise consumers to eat an abundance of meat in order to take full advantage of their own tax contributions. To be socially conscious and enjoy your tax dollars at work, go buy some nice juicy steaks!
5. Media Influence: Currently, carnivores are burgeoning on social media platforms with blogs and lifestyle posts. The most famous blogger, “meat-is-my-love,” has achieved local fame. Carnivores can experience worldwide fame in an infomercial about new meat cleavers. The government fully supports beef creators and plans to jail vegan internet trolls for their heinous hate crimes.

We hope that you seriously consider the carnivore diet. Our officials will adamantly support carnivores and penalize vegans on our journey to a healthier planet. The board will be hosting a meeting to discuss our goal to increase our environmental efforts, including the construction of local cow farms and the elimination of vegetable gardens, during the coming weeks. We invite all community members to participate.

Thank you for your cooperation and support,
The “Meat Lovers” Committee Chair

1 Please note that consumption of solely meat, especially red meat, can result in high cholesterol, hypertension, heart disease, cancer, internal bleeding, organ failure, and death. We consider these risks less severe than those posed by vegetables, as some—especially vegetable breath—can have truly deleterious effects.