What’s Left Beneath When All the Wishes Have Blown Away

I.

Kara is 14 and over breakfast, Cousin Martha comes up, how she got herself in trouble running around with boys.

“No one’s going to buy the cow if you’re giving the milk away for free,” Kara’s dad tells her, not for the first time, or last.

Kara opens her mouth wide, chewing loudly. She moos in a spot-on cow impression.

“You don’t think Martha wishes she’d listened to her father?” he asks.

Kara’s mom reaches over and puts her hand on Kara’s forearm and squeezes. Her fingers are still weak, but the secret smile they share tells Kara that her mother’s sense of humor is still intact.

Later, Kara hangs laundry on the line to dry. Her mom sits in a lawn chair and watches. She can’t yet lift heavy things or raise her arms above her head, but Kara knows she feels bad that all the housework has fallen to Kara since the surgery. Kara doesn’t mind. She thinks sitting in the sun is probably good for her mom though. It might help her bloom again.

Kara watches her mom shift in her chair, not quite comfortable in her new body. Only bandages rest under her dress where breasts once swelled. Kara’s own body has been changing, the way nature intended. She hates everything, just a little bit, on her mother’s behalf.

“Don’t pay attention to your father,” Kara’s mom says, lifting her face to the sun. “Your body is precious. It’s composed of dandelion wishes that can blow away with no warning. You’re free to do with it as you wish.”

Kara watches her mom shift in her chair, not quite comfortable in her new body. Only bandages rest under her dress where breasts once swelled. Kara’s own body has been changing, the way nature intended. She hates everything, just a little bit, on her mother’s behalf.

II.

Kara is 18 and her boyfriend invites her to his family’s lakehouse for the weekend. Her dad assumes his parents will be there, but her mom presses some condoms into Kara’s hand and whispers, “Be safe, be happy, be free.”

Kara wears a bikini for the first time in her life, purchased with her tips from the diner. It’s black with white trim. “Classic,” her boyfriend tells her. “You look like a pin-up girl.”

He holds up the Nikon he got for graduation and snaps a picture of her sitting on the dock. He wants to study photography in college, but his father is expecting him to go pre-law. He figures he can work it out once he’s there, but Kara doesn’t really care what he decides. She’s pretty sure she’ll break up with him before he leaves. He’s a sweet boy, but long-distance doesn’t interest her.

He continues to snap pictures of her, asking her to pose this way or that. Sitting cross-legged on the dock, Kara reaches up and unties the straps of her bikini top. She lets the triangles of fabric fall.

Her boyfriend hesitates. “Really?” he asks. She loves him a little bit for hesitating.

“Immortalize them,” she urges. He snaps pictures until the sun has stained the lake pink.

She breaks up with him a month later, and it is more amicable than she anticipates. But he has college girls in his future, and no one expects high school sweethearts to make the long haul anyway. He gives her the canister of undeveloped film as a parting gift. She regrets their breakup for one breath, but it passes. She makes room for the undeveloped film and her black and white bikini in her suitcase before she boards a bus heading west two weeks later.

III.

Kara is 29 and her husband is holding her hand when their daughter is born. Her mom moves into the spare room for a month to help them adjust to parenthood.

The first night home from the hospital, Kara breaks down crying in front of her mom. Not because she isn’t happy but because she remembers the day her mom told her she was composed of dandelion wishes. This is the first time she truly fears the day it will all blow away.

“It’s okay,” her mom assures her. “What’s left beneath is stronger than you realize.”

Her mom reaches over and squeezes Kara’s arm as Kara runs a finger over her daughter’s cheek, marveling at her precious eyelashes, curled fingers, tiny feet. Marveling at the gift her body gave her.

Kara stares down at her tiny, perfect daughter, nursing at her breast. “But this changes everything,” she whispers.

“It’s supposed to change everything,” her mom tells her.

Her mom reaches over and squeezes Kara’s arm as Kara runs a finger over her daughter’s cheek, marveling at her precious eyelashes, curled fingers, tiny feet. Marveling at the gift her body gave her.

IV.

Kara is 43, and she sits at her dressing table, topless, studying how her body has changed. Knowing it is about to change even more.

Her daughter sleeps down the hall, her body recently showing the gentle warnings of womanhood.

There’s a drawer in Kara’s jewelry box that holds a canister of undeveloped film. She pulls it out now and hands it to her husband.

“Will you find a place to get this developed before I get home from the hospital?” she asks.

His eyes questions her, but he only nods, squeezes her hand in a way that says he’d do anything for her. She turns back to the mirror and thinks of her mom’s dandelion wishes. She pulls on her robe and ties it closed. She kisses her husband on the cheek, tells him she’ll come to bed soon and then goes down the hall to her daughter’s room.

The light from the hall falls across her daughter’s face and her eyes flutter open.

“Mom? Is it time for you to go already?”

“I just came to say good night.” Kara goes to her daughter’s bed and lies down. Her daughter snuggles into her.

“Are you scared?” her daughter asks.

“Maybe a little,” Kara admits. “But it’s what I need to do. It’s what your grandma had to do too.”

“So someday. . .” her daughter trails off.

Kara shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not. But I’ll tell you something that your grandma told me when I was just a little bit older than you.”

“What?”

“Your body is a precious thing. You should treasure it, celebrate it, enjoy it, because it’s made of dandelion wishes that can blow away at any moment. It’s a gift that you’re free to use as you want,” Kara tells her. “Does that make sense?”

Her daughter nods and yawns. “Stay with me until I fall asleep?” she asks.

“Always,” Kara promises. She watches her daughter sleep for a long time, thinking of those dandelion wishes, thinking about the beauty and strength of what’s left behind once they’ve blown away.