Comments Made to a Mother of Girls

Four girls in five years, wow, did you plan that? Do they all have the same father? Are you going to try for a boy? Have you figured out where babies come from? You’re a fertile myrtle.  Do you not believe in birth control? You obviously don’t like condoms. Kids are a blessing. Kids are the ultimate STD. Are you Mormon? Did you consider abortion? How does your husband feel about you having so many kids? Did you get pregnant so he’d marry you?  Are they all yours? How much do you spend a week on groceries? Are you on food stamps?  That’s a lot of weddings to pay for. At least girls don’t have to go to college. Your poor husband. He’s so outnumbered. I hope your husband owns a shotgun. Do you still have sex? Do you even feel anything down there? You should probably just stop having sex. Wow, you’re huge. Are you having twins? Wow, you look great for having kids. When I was pregnant, women hid their bellies. Pregnant bellies are gross. You’re glowing. Can I touch your belly? This is weird, and I promise I’m normal, but are you single? I can’t believe you’re wearing a bikini. At least since your babies were premature you didn’t get as many stretch marks. Do you regret not having a boy? You could adopt. You shouldn’t adopt, you have too many already. What about the babies that need homes? The kids in foster care? You could do more. You’ve done enough. Don’t you realize the world is overpopulated? People aren’t having enough kids. Children are the future. Too bad the planet will be destroyed before they get to grow up. You’ll never survive the apocalypse with all that baggage. What do you do all day, eat candy and sit on Facebook? When are you getting a real job? Why bother going back to school if you’re just going to stay home? You’re such a good example for your girls. You’re selfish to work  You’re selfish to go to grad school. Isn’t a bachelor’s degree enough? What are you trying to prove? I feel bad for your husband having to support you sitting around all day. You need more hobbies. I didn’t know moms had time to play video games. Don’t you know how to dust? Your writing is taking time away from your kids. You shouldn’t give up your dreams. Don’t get too busy, that’s when men cheat. You’re lucky you get to stay home. I couldn’t stand staying home. Wait, where are the kids? What do you mean the dog is babysitting? You can’t crate train children. How can you say your dog is your favorite child? How can you make a joke like that? Do you hate being a mother? Can your husband handle watching them? You’re so lucky your husband babysits. If you were my wife, I would never let you wear a dress that short. Why don’t you try harder to be pretty? You don’t need to wear makeup, who are you trying to impress? Motherhood is what women are made for. Being a breeder is just supporting the patriarchy. It doesn’t get better than this. It’s all downhill from here. You just reminded me to take my birth control. You’re making me miss when my grown children were little. You should get out more. You should prioritize your kids more. You’re doing a great job. What do you mean your kids don’t know Spanish? You used to be fun. Nah, you were never cool. You’re too young to have kids that age. You’re too old to have more kids. I would be crying if I were you. Why are you depressed? Your life is amazing. Your life is a mess. How do you do it all? What exactly are you even busy doing all day? Don’t you want more than this? What more could you want? You’ve hit your peak. What will you have left when they leave? These are the best days of your life. Just slow down. You’re going to miss this.