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Consent Training

December 1, 2021/ Minna Dubin

[creative nonfiction]

I

Ollie is pulling his eighteen-month-old sister’s hands. “Come on, Mae. I wanna show you. Come with me, Mae. Come with me.” She is pulling away from him. He is too strong. Keeps pulling. Mae begins to wail.

Ollie is on his hands and knees, pushing the top of his head into Mae’s belly. Not hard, but with continual, forward motion. Mae falls backwards and cries.

“Do you want this? Do you want this? Do you want this?” Ollie asks as he shoves a piece of cracker between Mae’s lips. She screams a muffled, “Nooooo!”

I stomp and clap my hands with each word, “Stop! Listen! To! Her! You’re! Not! Listening!” Or, I think fearfully, you are listening and you don’t care.

“Don’t you hear her saying ‘no’?! Don’t you hear her screaming?!” I hear the terror in my voice, all the world’s rape in my words. He is just a five-year-old boy, I tell myself.

II

As we arrive at school, Ollie throws his arms around a friend. “Oops, you gotta ask Pammy first if she wants a hug,” I remind him, my hand on his shoulder. Pammy’s mom and I tight-smile at each other.

Ollie pulls back to look at Pammy, arms still tightly clasped around her middle, “Do you want a hug, Pammy?” She nods. I narrate her silence. “She nodded. That’s a yes. But…” (I can’t help myself) “…You already have your arms around her. You have to ask and wait for her answer before you touch her.”

Ollie’s arms unhook. “Do you want a hug?” he asks. Pammy nods again, probably thinking, “Jesus Christ, I didn’t want this many hugs. Enough already, Ollie’s mom!” Ollie gives her a bear hug, then bends backwards arching his back and grunts, lifting Pammy off the ground.

I sigh. “A hug does not mean being picked up. If you want to pick her up also, then you need to say, ‘Do you want a pick-up hug?’” Ollie asks for a pick-up hug. Pammy nods for the third time. They repeat the pick-up hug routine.

We all pass out from exhaustion.

III

I know Ollie’s sensory processing disorder is at work when he touches kids in ways they don’t like. I ask him why he bonked Jojo on the head or kept hugging Zuri without asking. He doesn’t know. But I do. It’s a physiological urge. Do something. Do it now!

If I completely chalk up Ollie’s physical infractions to SPD, am I being naïve about the potential for future violence in him? Aren’t all boys being groomed towards violence?

When he hurts another kid with his body, my gentle, patient self dissolves. “Why would you want to hurt someone?!” My fear ignites his. His face breaks into redness and tears. There! He feels something! Tears and sorrow are more tangible than “I don’t know.” Regret, so much further along on the road to better future choices.

His regret ignites mine. I hug him, apologizing, both of us sobbing. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” I’m so focused on the violence of men not getting its hooks into him, I let it get a hold of me instead.

I know I need to gently stop the problematic interactions, access my empathy, and say in my kind-mommy voice, “Look at so-and-so’s face. What is her face saying? What should you do when her face looks like that?”

He needs to practice—I need to practice—a thousand times.

Minna Dublin, Author Headshot

Minna Dubin (she/her) is a writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, Salon, Parents, Romper, Hobart, Literary Mama, SFWP Quarterly, Longridge Review. Her chapbook Position: Mom (The Fine Print) placed in contests for Tolsun Books, Gazing Grain, and the Disquiet Literary Prize. Minna is the recipient of an artist enrichment grant from the Kentucky Foundation for Women. She is currently writing a book on mom rage (Seal Press/Hachette, 2023) in ten-minute increments when she’s not eating chocolate and texting in the bathroom, hiding from her children. You can follow her @minnadubin.

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Friday Lunch Blog

Friday Lunch! A serving of contemporary essays published every Friday.

Today’s course:

The Night I Want to Remember

December 16, 2022/in 2023ws-migration, Blog / Sanaz Tamjidi
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From Paper to the Page

November 18, 2022/in 2023ws-migration, Blog / Annie Bartos
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Confessions of a Birthday Person

November 4, 2022/in 2023ws-migration, Blog / Meghan McGuire
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Midnight Snack

A destination for all your late night obsessions.

Tonight’s bites:

Mending the Heart and Slowing Down: Reintroducing Myself to Mexican Cooking

October 7, 2022/in Midnight Snack / Megan Vasquez
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The Worth of a Billionaire’s Words

September 23, 2022/in Midnight Snack / Kirby Chen Mages
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Abyssinia

August 26, 2022/in Midnight Snack / JP Goggin
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Amuse-Bouche

Little bites every Monday to whet your appetite!

Today’s plate:

Still Life

October 31, 2022/in Amuse-Bouche / Daniel J. Rortvedt
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Litdish: Writing About Grief: An Interview with Jenn Koiter

October 24, 2022/in Amuse-Bouche / Interviewed by Gail Vannelli
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Dawn from Buffy Learns About Climate Change

October 10, 2022/in Amuse-Bouche / Alyson Mosquera Dutemple
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School Lunch

An occasional Wednesday series dishing up today’s best youth writers.

Today’s slice:

I’ve Stayed in the Front Yard

May 12, 2021/in School Lunch, School Lunch 2021 / Brendan Nurczyk
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A Communal Announcement

April 28, 2021/in School Lunch, School Lunch 2021 / Isabella Dail
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Seventeen

April 14, 2021/in School Lunch, School Lunch 2021 / Abigail E. Calimaran
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Word From the Editor

Our contributors are diverse and the topics they share through their art vary, but their work embodies this mission. They explore climate change, family, relationships, poverty, immigration, human rights, gun control, among others topics. Some of these works represent the mission by showing pain or hardship, other times humor or shock, but they all carry in them a vision for a brighter world.

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