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Everything In Its Right Place

November 21, 2019/ Emily James

[creative nonfiction]

It’s 2 a.m. when the ground collapses. I’m bra-less in the too-bright light, holding her over bathroom tiles, stray hairs gathered by the toilet’s base, her face a blue hue, her eyes looking for me, but trapped inside themselves, and her three-year-old body shaking, no matter my grip. I’d thought the ground was real, but my bare feet won’t work and we’re both falling, falling down through it all, the buttons pushed and 9-1-1 pleas and clunks of first responder boots walking over my clean wooden floors, the dark uniforms I beg to hold us up, the cabin of the ambulance sailing through city streets as her quivering calms and she’s all shaken out and her breath returns over the beeping of the truck’s reverse into side hospital doors. And then the bed that saves us both—small, elevated, white. Paper sheets against our backs. Metal rails against our sides. I could live forever here, monitors hooked up to her tiny finger, numbers blinking in rainbows her body’s intentions where I can see them, milk sweet and dried on her neck and everything still but a belly that’s choosing to rise and fall. The curtains are drawn, light seeping through their bottoms, our coats like crumpled bodies on chairs along the wall, and I try turning this room into a photo, something to flap and keep.

The orderlies push their bins of linens, blue-grey scrubs to match the walls, their rubber soles sweeping across dusty floors, wheels rolling because they can, all the movement outside of us, the crackling coughs and baby wails, and they need a bedpan in room four, but not here, in my still, little square, boxed between these beautiful bars and her bones, her breathing body, her buttery scent, my mouth on the fuzz of her sleep-mashed hair, her forehead damp, lips parted in dreams.

Everything looks good now, they tell me, she’s going to be fine. But what about the ground? I want to ask. Didn’t they see how it just gave out? Oh, it can do that, they would say. In a moment’s notice—tiles, concrete, even soft brown mounds of earth can fall. And as my eyes fell towards my feet they’d pull up my chin: But it’s best to just look here, where everything is in its right place. But I am mother! I would have cried. I can’t have gravity betray us! And they’d reach back beneath their stethoscopes above the tags of their coats and squeeze the cricks out of their tanned, tired necks, and tell me, Shhhh, it’s best to just believe. Can’t you just believe?

Photo Credit: Anna Perez

Emily James is a writer in NYC. Her recent work can be found in Guernica, River Teeth, CHEAP POP, Pithead Chapel, Pidgeonholes, Hippocampus Magazine, Atticus Review, The Rumpus, and jmww, among others. She is the recipient of the 2019 Bechtel Prize from Teachers and Writers Magazine. You can find her online at www.emilysarahjames.com and tweet her @missg3rd.

Photo Credit: Anna Perez

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Friday Lunch Blog

Friday Lunch! A serving of contemporary essays published the second Friday of every month.

Today’s course:

The Enduring Haunting of a Failed Driver’s Test(s)

September 15, 2023/in Blog / Meghan McGuire
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Glitch Wisdom

May 12, 2023/in Blog / KJ McCoy
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Lessons on Getting Paid: My First Year as a Freelance Writer

April 14, 2023/in Blog / EJ Saunders
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Midnight Snack

Take a bite out of these late night obsessions.

Tonight’s bites:

The Secret Histories of Everywhere

June 2, 2023/in Midnight Snack / Brian Lynn
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Into the Linguistic Rabbit Hole

May 5, 2023/in Midnight Snack / paparouna
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Dancing into Detachment

April 7, 2023/in Midnight Snack / Robert Kirwin
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Amuse-Bouche

Little bites every third Friday to whet your appetite!

Today’s plate:

Exercise

September 11, 2023/in Amuse-Bouche / Cecilia Savala
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LitDish: Ten Questions With Isabel Yap

September 1, 2023/in Amuse-Bouche / Interviewed by Gail Vannelli
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Pawing the Ground

July 23, 2023/in Amuse-Bouche / Laurie Granieri
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School Lunch

An occasional Wednesday series dishing up today’s best youth writers.

Today’s slice:

I’ve Stayed in the Front Yard

May 12, 2021/in School Lunch, School Lunch 2021 / Brendan Nurczyk
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A Communal Announcement

April 28, 2021/in School Lunch, School Lunch 2021 / Isabella Dail
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Seventeen

April 14, 2021/in School Lunch, School Lunch 2021 / Abigail E. Calimaran
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Word From the Editor

If you are an artist of any kind, chances are you are no stranger to The Unknown. In fact, it has probably been a motivating factor in creating your art. I know it has been for me. Wrestling with The Unknown is a fundamental part of the human experience, and the human experience is a fundamental part of art.

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