I awoke from an exquisite dream. That pissed me off right there, cause in my dream, I was being devoured by love. When I flip the switch, a billion fucking cockroaches scatter. Naturally, I go batshit crazy, careening around the room, stomping and cursing. Now the neighbors are up. “Hey, cut that shit out!” this lady’s yelling. Downstairs, a guy’s shouting, “I have to come up there, I’ll break your fucking bones. I swear.” I recognize that guy. Big, fat Hungarian dude from the second floor. I don’t know his name. Same guy who busted my balls that time I was practicing my scales on the sax.
Next day, I call this fumigator I know. “Cut me a deal, Frankie,” I say. “No can do, Jimmy. Roaches, they got no respect for boundaries, see? You wanna solve your issue, you got to fumigate the entire goddamn building. Otherwise, you’re just playing whack a mole.”
So I go see Yorgi, the super. “Yorgi, we gotta fumigate this shithole.” I say. “Buy a fogguh.” Yorgi says. I think he and the landlord are cousins or something.
Next day, I run into Patty. Patty and I were kids together. I was walking around midtown, minding my business. There she was, demonstrating, marching around in circles, yelling and screaming with a bunch of fucking losers. I hadn’t seen her in forever. Patty with her buck teeth. I always had this crazy crush on her.
“Serendipity,” she says.
“Patty Cakes,” I say.
“Jimmy, you still playing the sax?” she asks.
I was really flattered she remembered. I didn’t wanna confess I pawned it.
“Nah,” I say. “I quit that business.”
“Too bad,” she says. “I’m singing in a band. We could use some more brass.”
She hands me a matchbook: Fergie’s Supper Club out in Queens.
“Come see me,” she says.
You ask me, there’s nothing sexier than buck teeth. The guys, they used to call her “Bucky.” Not me. I called her “Patty Cakes.” Back in the day, she’d watch us playing stickball in the street, dodging taxis and delivery trucks. Outta the blue, she appoints herself cheerleader. She starts doing cartwheels on the sidewalk. Then one time, this cop tells her to move cause she’s blocking the way. He was new on the beat.
“You got a bad case of stupid,” she says to him.
“Freeze right there, honey,” he says, like he’s gonna cuff her.
“Bite my crank,” she says and takes off laughing.
After that, everybody started saying it. Every time the guys got together, somebody’d say, “Bite my crank.”
So I took the train out to Queens to see Patty.
In the parking lot, a guy says to me, “You gotta move your car, buster.”
“I don’t own a car.” I say.
“Whadda you, a smartass?”
“Nah. I’m a pedestrian.”
This guy, he don’t like that remark, so at this juncture, I’m getting invisible quick. I got no ax to grind with this asshole. You can’t be channeling Jackie Chan every time some jerkoff starts feeling his oats. A guy could get messed up pretty bad going down that road.
Anyhow, some supper club this was. Buncha hooligans chowing down buffalo wings and fried cheese. Loud and rude, too. I felt like standing up and telling these clowns to shut the fuck up, but what am I gonna do? Start a brawl? Some people are just ignorant. I elbowed my way up front so I could hear. Patty sounded sweet, like an angel.
Sometimes I wonder if things might have turned out different. Like if this hadn’t happened, or that hadn’t happened, or the phone hadn’t rung that one time…or it had. Or I didn’t decide to do what I did that one night or decided not to do. Maybe I wouldn’t be living in a shithole. Maybe me and Patty coulda been a team. We coulda played at classy places. She crooning all torchy and heartbreaky. Me on the sax, hitting those soft notes; the one’s that purr like a cat when you stroke its belly.
After the show, we went out to a diner.
“You want a coffee?” I say.
“I’m caffeine free,” she says.
I ordered her a lime Rickey and let her talk. I’m watching her teeth. She was so sexy.
She stirred the glass with her finger while she gabbed. That was sexy, too.
“Patty, be my girl,” I say.
“Bite my crank, Jimmy.”